It all melted away- all the people, all the noise, all the expectations I’d had for that night. I didn’t plan to end up in an alleyway basement listening to the thunder of a bass drum and locking eyes with a man I’d only just met, but for once I was freed of my overactive mind and its subsequent torments. The faceless bodies that swayed around us looked like six foot tall leaves of grass, with the wind of this song pushing them side to side.  The band was nameless and the music was a blur of lyrics and melody thrown together to create an opportunity for the local inhabitants seeking refuge below the busy streets.  You can’t blame me for losing the details in the back of my mind, for all I could witness was the crisp image of you leaning in, taking me freely, and the sensation of calm that washed over my previously damaged self. Solace in the chaos- it wasn’t what I sought out, but it’s what you illuminated within me, in the dark of the night, alone but no longer lonely, if on ly for one solitary moment.

I can feel myself sliding backwards, back into the pit from which I only recently emerged. It’s the black hole of mistakes made eons ago, decisions which dragged my consciousness through the mud, and missed opportunities in life and love. Never underestimate your mind’s power to captivate your emotions in a black box under the bed. You may not feel it as strongly as I do, or as immediately, but there is something within your soul, a darkness that emerges when you fight with a loved one or when you fail so dramatically that it crushes you. Do what you can to push those feelings aside and move forward. Don’t let that box expand to engulf all of you, very much like I did. Being self-aware doesn’t put up the shield, it just gives you the tools to protect yourself from the bottom of the pit.